27pitches Remembers the 2009 NFL Season

Any list of stories from the 2009 season has to start with the Saints.

Since we are now entering the heart of scouting season with draft preparations heating up and free agency kicking off on March 5th and Sean getting all types of hyped up because baseball season is on the horizon (whoopty-doo), I figured no better time than now to take a look back at the NFL season that reached its culmination three weeks ago with the Saints stealing the spotlight from Peyton Manning. In keeping with the whole 27 theme (another baseball reference that makes me want to club baby seals), I decided to rehash the top 27 storylines from this past season and even more daring I tried to actually rank them in order of importance. Now listen here, I may not have got them all and I certainly screwed the order a little and I can guarantee everyone won’t agree with all of these and after thinking about it more I probably won’t agree either, but listing the top 27 is a lot harder than it may seem so if you disagree either try it yourself or please let me know about it because I simply love getting lambasted by readers and every once in a while I even indulge in self-flagellation for mistakes I’ve made in the past. So let’s see where I effed up this time in actually trying to be smarter than I actually am.

27. Smith’s his Man-ning. I’ll obviously catch heat right off the bat but I had to give props to Eli and his first 4,000 yard season and the guy who he made into a budding superstar, Steve Smith. Can’t hate on 107 catches now can you? That would be like making fun of fat people and we all know that is absolutely unacceptable.

26. Rodgers emerges from the shadow. Brett who? Aaron made everyone forget about Favre with his exceptionally high level of play and if I’m a Packers fan I couldn’t be happier that Favre is no longer a resident of frigid Wisconsin.

25. Woodson’s worthiness. Yes, Darrelle Revis is a bad mother and the best shutdown corner in the league; but he does one thing well. Woodson did it all so take Shaft’s advice and shut your mouth; he deserved DPOY.

24. Haynesworth breaks bank, hopes. Big Al improved his bottom line tremendously but the ‘Skins got worse. Dan Snyder, it’s time you left football decisions to someone who actually knows football.

23. Kicking the bucket. Apparently there were reports that kickers were more accurate than ever. But they obviously didn’t account for kicking under pressure as kickers dropped deuces in their sheets come playoff time.

22. Holmgren tries to fix the Mistake. Everyone who thought Mike Holmgren would only go to a contender was obviously mistaken as he decided instead to take residence in one of the most dilapidated cities in the country and whose football team resembles its fortune.

21. A ray of Rice. Ray-Ray led the Ravens to the playoffs and surprised everyone who thought he was too small. The State College of New Jersey has never been prouder.

Rice shocked a lot of people, and helped me win a fantasy league, with his stellar play.(Matt Sullivan/Getty Images North America)

20. New York hits ground zero. From 5-0 to 8-8; I will now retire to my room to sulk in solitude.

19. McDaniels was just joshing. Joshy Boy gets all pumped up and fist pumps the Denver fans. But he was only kidding when he thought the Broncos had a chance as they self-implode and go from 6-0 to a second consecutive year of self-destruction.

18. Swoon of Steel. The Steelers have won two titles in the past five years and both times failed to make the playoffs the following year. Pittsburgh better hope Crosby actually grows a pair this year.

17. Michael gets crabby. One of the most highly touted receivers to come out of college in the past few years takes out his hatred of Al Davis on the 49ers and then decides he’s being stupid and makes San Francisco forget about their hatred of the self-centered star.

16. Benson busts out. We finally saw what the Bears originally saw but what Cedric didn’t want to show them. Cincinnati finally hits on their myriad reclamation projects.

15. Lions roar… or maybe just purr, but regardless they finally got off the schnide and won a game…or two. Plus they won the regular season game of the year in their unlikely shootout with Mistakes by the Lake.

Absolutely amazing.

14. Million Miles from Buffalo to Austin. Jerry knows football and I am beside myself. Miles Austin becomes the breakout player of the year and TO fails in Buffalo. In other news Satan bought a parka and bacon is falling from the sky.

13. Peyton’s Place… in history. Manning wins his fourth MVP and people have the audacity to say he is overrated for one bad pass. Then again, Elin is still with Tiger so apparently stupidity is alive and well.

12. Brady back in the bunch… and it is simultaneously revealed that quarterbacks have a higher estrogen level than other position players. Being pretty doesn’t hurt but if you’re pretty they don’t want you hurt.

11. Kurt-ain call. Future HOFer Warner hangs ‘em up and now sets sights on televangelist career while the state of Arizona, in fear of Leinart, begins stuffing bottles with rags and lighter fluid in hopes of foiling Warner’s plan and forcing him back into duty.

10. Cowboy up. Never has a meaningless playoff win meant so much as it does now. But what it really means is the NFC East can rest easy since it bought Wade another year. Fat cheerleaders are never successful, we all know that.

The downside to winning a playoff game? Your sideline still looks like this.

9. Bengals bulk up…and sweep AFC North. Who knew criminals were so tough?

8. Attack on Donny Mac. This is the storyline that just won’t die, kind of like MJ and his wandering hands. But I get it, he can’t win and neither will the Eagles as long as he’s at the helm.

7. Jay bucks Broncos, can’t bear weighty expectations. The pouty quarterback forced his way out of Denver to take on lofty expectations in Chicago only to get blown away by the wind, or maybe it was just the fact that he’s blind and can’t see who’s actually on his team.

6. Vick’s so-called resurrection. Vick returns but is soon forgotten as protests subside when people realize he isn’t very good and Andy Reid is even dumber than he is.

5. The death of Chris Henry. His delinquent behavior catches up with him. No jokes here, it’s a truly sad story and regardless of circumstances no one deserves to go so soon.

4. Chris Johnson Y2K. Never has anyone been so electric since Ben Frank flew a kite.

A picture is worth a thousand words.

3. Jets unlikely flight. And they have only to thank Mark Sanchez for his stellar season. Ha, just kidding, he still stinks and always will.

2. Favre armed until the end. After finally deciding that indeed he wanted to be a complete ass and stab the fans that supported him his whole career he actually did well and his arm stayed attached. If only he could have stopped his team from upchucking the ball more than Willie Beamon.

1. Saints ride hurricane wave to championship. I know everyone loves the story of the recovery from Hurricane Katrina to a Super Bowl championship; I’m just disappointed I wasn’t on Bourbon Street the minute Tracy Porter picked Manning. I could have totally picked up a chick completely out of my league, maybe even two. Party of the year no doubt and they’re still drunk like your dirty uncle at Thanksgiving. All hail the Saints, they deserve it.