It’s been a while since I’ve taken the time to hammer out another Bush League Debate, but something occurred yesterday that is perfect for this sort of thing, so it’s time to bring it back. Essentially I take a look at a controversial situation, present both sides of the argument, and a verdict. If the verdict is that the act in question is deemed bush league, a penalty is also handed down. For those of you who missed the first few or don’t even know what I am talking about, I’ll refer you to the three other instances of Bush League Debates, and you can get a general idea of how this thing is done.

This past Sunday, the Florida Marlins Wes Helms delivered a walkoff win in the 9th, prompting last year’s ROY Chris Coughlan to present him with a cream pie to the face during Helms’ postgame interview. In perhaps the oddest injury to occur since Kendry Morales’ cannonball-esque pounce onto home plate (which broke his leg), Coughlan landed on his leg funny after delivering the pie, and in the process tore his meniscus. Now he could be looking at surgery and 6-8 weeks on the DL. But let’s set aside the injury for a second…

The Situation: A team win’s in walkoff fashion. Celebration ensues, although the previously mentioned Morales’ incident has served as a cautionary tale for clubs, and the home plate greeting has definitely been less intense than it was prior to that injury. So, team’s pat the guy on his head, smack his ass, and generally jump up and down for a few minutes. That’s cool, it’s exciting. But then comes the postgame interview cream pie to the face. But is the cream pie really an acceptable act?

Why It’s Acceptable: Yes, it’s funny. In particular, Stephen Strasburg’s first MLB pie to the face was great because the interview thereafter still maintained a serious tone even though he was wearing an entire face full of shaving cream (and an Elvis wig to boot). It’s almost as though the pie is a verification that the player has accomplished something great. We could also get into the fact that it’s tradition, and has been around for some time. I can remember Roger McDowell doing all sorts of this stuff.

Why It’s Bush League: It’s been done. Burnett does it all the time. Victorino does it a lot. There seems to be a prankster on every team who has to make sure this gets accomplished after a guy has a big game. The problem is that there are too many variables involved. For instance, Burnett was smashing people’s faces with pie’s when he was going through an incredibly rough patch where he had an ERA north of 6. Do you really want to see him goofing off after a win when he’s basically going out every five days and hitting the showers by the 3rd inning? Or perhaps you are the Marlins, and yeah, Wes Helms came through with a big hit. Should the team really be joking around and goofing off when they just won a game to stay 7.5 games back instead of 8.5 in late July? If I’m a fan, I’d rather see them talking about trying to build some momentum. Use some of the time your putting into your cream pie shenanigans to look at some film of the pitcher you’re going to see the next night and try to put a streak together. Unfortunately for Marlins fans, now they are down a great player, something they definitely could not afford to lose. If the season wasn’t over before this game, it is now.

The Verdict: Bush league, but only in certain situations. Celebrating is for winners. If a team is in first place or within a couple games of first, it’s ok to celebrate with a little charisma. Who cares if you win a game if you’re still 8 games back with only a couple months to play? If the Marlins had crawled back into contention with a win like that, then I’m fine with it. But unless you are looking down on the other teams in your division, then there’s no room for goofing off. Taking it even further, if you are a player on a first place team but are not doing well, then you shouldn’t be doling out some cream pies. Get your act together on the field first before you start joking around off the field.

The Penalty: Teams and players that celebrate meaningless wins when they are nowhere near the top of the standings shall have those players involved get pied each and every game that they lose thereafter.

Things haven't exactly gone the Phillies way this season.

The Phillies’ 2010 season has gone a bit differently than their 2008 and 2009 campaigns. The team has been decimated by injuries, some guys have flat out not shown up, and the National League has gotten noticeably better. It also doesn’t help that they’ve played two completely full seasons, having made it to back-to-back World Series. They’re tired, beat up, and, in some cases, getting older fast (I’m looking at you Ibanez). So, with all of that in mind, I’ve got some rants and wake up calls to dole out one by one. For this exercise, I’m focusing on the lineup and leaving the pitching alone. In fact, the starting pitching has been overachieving. The relief pitching, not so much, but that is for another day (and this time I am looking at you Madson, with your dumb, self-inflicted toe injury).

J-Roll: I don’t really have any beef with you. Injuries happen. In fact, as the great Joni Mitchell told us, you don’t know what you’ve got ’til it’s gone. That was never more evident then when Wilson Valdez (or was it Juan Castro? And for that matter, are they the same person?) was letting ground balls get through up the middle that I know you would have easily gotten to and then thrown a laser beam over to first base. Believe me, I don’t ever take for granted the defensive abilities of a player. So yeah, you haven’t exactly been great since your return, but your mere presence in the lineup and on the field makes a tremendous difference to this team, and I am just glad you are back.

Polly – First and foremost, nice job on the win today. I guess either team had to score at some point, but I applaud you for taking the reins. You’ve been pretty decent for us this season. The DL stint hurt us a bit, but you tried to tough it out with endless cortisone shots so I respect that. You are a warrior. I still don’t think you are nearly as good at playing third base as human vacuum Pedro Feliz, but you have been good enough to handle it and your consistent contact hitting makes you a great table setter. Keep it up.

Chase – I will never, EVER give you sh** about anything you ever do. You get a lifetime pass in my book because you are the man. It sucks that you are hurt, but I have never questioned your work ethic, dedication, or ability to hit five homeruns in a World Series.

The Big Man – Let’s face it, you are carrying this team again. Not only have you stayed healthy, but you’ve managed to hit .299 so far, which is just absurd. You lead the league with 75 RBIs and I can already see that you are locking in like you have in the second half of recent years. Keep it up, you are literally our only hope on offense most nights now.

Werth – What in God’s name have you done? You were on an unstoppable, torrid streak to begin the season, and I’m pretty sure every night I watched a game in April and May you had two doubles. The beard became an unmistakable part of the city of Philadelphia, and I would not have been surprised to see a “Jayson Wertth beard night” at CBP where fans would have been treated to a free prototype. Unfortunately, you’ve pulled a complete 180, and you’ve managed to piss off everyone along the way. Not because you are sucking (although of course that doesn’t help), but because you look like a listless, lifeless mess out there. Then there was the whole screaming obscenities at a guy with his son, but we won’t get into that (and, to be honest, I didn’t fault you for getting caught up in the moment like that, and that guy should have gotten the hell out of the way). The bottom line is this: you’ve got to take the goddam bat off of your shoulders if you want to hit the ball. At some point along the way, you forgot this fundamental part of baseball, and I think I’ve seen you strike out looking about 15 times in the last 10 games. Oh, and I saw you shaved the beard today — good move. You needed a change. I mean, if you aren’t going to go out and dominate then you lose all respect, and at that point you just look like a Nickelback band member, which is by definition one of the worst things in the world. There’s a fairly good chance you are getting shipped out of town soon, which would kind of suck because you helped us win a World Series, but if you are going to play like this and look like you don’t care doing it, see ya later.

Rauuuuul – Remember those days? Been a while, huh? I guess no matter how vehemently you wanted to deny it, you were on steroids. Uh-oh; you’re going to come after me now? Well let’s make a compromise. I don’t think you are on steroids now. Or, if you are, they are the worst steroids in the world and you must have gotten them from David Eckstein’s guy. In which case those aren’t steroids, they are Flinstones vitamins that have been re-purposed to look like steroids. Ok, fine — you weren’t ever really on steroids. You’re just really old and you look like a dinosaur. Either way, you are stealing from the Phillies. I demand you end your contract now and leave town immediately. And if you could call Dominic Brown on your way out and have him head on over to CBP for the upcoming homestand, that would be a classy move.

Shane: Where is the fire, man? Other teams used to hate you because you would cause an absolute ruckus on the basepaths. In the past couple years you have always seemed to find a way on when we needed you to; I’ve actually attended more than one game where you have led the team to a walkoff victory. Now it seems like you can’t buy your way on base, and to top it off, you get pissed that Philly fans are expressing their discontent with how the team is playing. Well, I have news for you, Shane — if you’re going to hit a paltry .253, you better make up for it by providing some kind of spark in other ways, whether it’s getting into the head of the opposing team or picking up your own guys, and I haven’t seen much of either. And to take things a step further, I think you can put an end to the shaving cream pies after walk off wins — until those Ws are coming more consistently, I think this team has to display that it is focused. If/when you make it back to first place, then we can talk shaving cream pies.

Ruiz – I got no beef with you, Chooch. Again, sucks you got hurt, but it’s good to have you back in the saddle and I’m praying I get to see some awesome Choochtober pumpkin decorations this Halloween.

Facebook has a fan page for just about everything, and it was no surprise to me to find the Jobu fan page earlier this year. I figured if there were ever a shot to find any information on obtaining a Jobu doll, it’d surely be through this page. Turns out I was right.

I thought the best course of action was to post on the fan page and ask if anyone had ever purchased or heard of anyone purchasing a Jobu doll like in the movie. I was contacted by a fellow fan page member, who told me that “some guy in California” had made a set number of his own replicas a few years ago, and that he had purchased one of them. When this gentleman reached out to me, my heart jumped — this was the closest I had ever come to finding out any information about the existence of the Jobu doll. Unfortunately for me, the guy had no further info; he just knew that some guy had once made them and he had gotten one. Great. Back to square one. At least there was hope.

A couple more months went by, and as chance would have it, another member of the fan page reached out to me saying that he used to have a mold to make Jobu dolls. I told him that I had only ever heard of this one other guy from the fan page talking about the existence of the prop, and this gentleman said to me: “Yes, I’m the one who created them.” Sweet jubilation! I had found the Jobu creator. Better yet, he mentioned that he still had the mold and was considering working up another small batch! So after I expressed my most sincere interest in acquiring one of these elusive dolls, I thought that it would be even better if I could learn more about the story behind their creation and share it with you, loyal reader.

So, after many Facebook message exchanges, I was extremely happy to hear that Eric Councell, creator of our little voodoo friend, was more than willing to answer a handful of questions about how he got into making the Jobu dolls, what the process is like, and what kind of experience it has been like for him. So,with a heavy heart, just days after the passing of James Gammon, the raspy old fellow who played beloved skipper Lou Brown in Major League (“Throw ‘em the heater Rickyyyyyy!!!”), we pay homage through the artistic skills of a devoted fan.

1) I have to ask first, what makes you enjoy Jobu so much that you decided to craft your own? Are you just a fan in general of the movie Major League, or is there some kind of inside joke meaning between you and friends? I know you’ve mentioned to me before that you aren’t much of a sports fan, so your dedication to this cause it perplexing in that way.

I actually didn’t think much of the movie at first. It took a few viewings to really gain it’s cult status in my mind. My friends and I still quote lines from the movie to this day and none of us are baseball fans. As far as Jobu, I really have no idea why I pursued the prop years ago, but I’ll bet it was on a whim after viewing it one night. One of my talents is the ability to do extensive research on things. So it was probably a bit of a personal challenge to find the prop or replica.

2) The lack of a Jobu commercially available doll is something that has driven sports fans like myself crazy trying to find. I liken it to the Holy Grail of sports memorabilia. You’ve gone so far as to contact David Ward (The Director and Writer) as well as many of the crew involved in the filming of Major League. What was his reaction to your questions about Jobu and was there any assistance on his part to connect you with anyone who would care enough to try and locate or talk to someone about producing more?

Mr. Ward was very receptive to my questions, but unfortunately couldn’t be much help when it came to the prop. He did mention that he had been asked in the past about and really wasn’t involved in the props of the film. He knew the character I was referring to and got a laugh about my quest to find it though. He did provide a few leads, but both were unfortunately also unable to recall what became of Jobu. I never approached him about the issue of mass production since it really wasn’t my goal. The only person I was unable to get a response from was Dennis Haysbert (The actor who played Pedro Cerrano in the film who ‘owned’ Jobu). It’s possible that he has the prop.

3) The attention to detail with the stone Jobu dolls that you hand craft (above) is truly remarkable, especially given the fact that you have limited screenshots from the movie with which to gather those details. I mean, you even have the shot glass, egg glass, rum, cigar, etc. How did you go about creating the mold so accurately, and where did you possibly find the exact type of hair and costume to accurately depict Jobu?

Sculpting something three dimensional, such as a figure, from limited two-dimensional images is difficult indeed. In the hands of a more experienced sculptor, it would have come out much better I presume, and I claim no mastery of the art of sculpting by any stretch of the imagination. It’s something I did in my spare time. To make matters worse, the images from the different scenes in the film were shot with different lighting. If you study the images (which I did at GREAT length) it almost looks like two different statues. Also, I had no idea how Jobu was made. Was he a soft doll type prop, or was he a cheap, hollow paper mache figure picked up in Mexico, or was he a solid statue? There’s no way to be sure from the images alone and nobody from the cast I spoke with remembered or even handled the prop. I have a small talent for replicating things, and the sculpt I did was close enough to satisfy my needs (which was my main goal).

As far as the hair, I was fortunate to have a little experience. Prior to taking on Jobu, I had just taught myself to sculpt and make Halloween masks. I had a fascination with Michael Myers and began trying to sculpt that first. The Myers mask used in the original Halloween films was actually a 1975 Captain Kirk mask that was spray painted white, had the eye holes cut a bit, and had the originally blond hair spray painted black. It was by sheer coincidence that the leftover blond hair I had matched Jobu’s near perfectly, so I used it.

On a side note, Jobu was not my first venture into the hard-to-find prop department. About five years ago, Burger King began a new commercial campaign with the ‘King’ character dressed up and wearing this creepy head. I went on a massive search for a replica of that as well, but found nothing. For my second sculpting experience, I decided to replicate the Burger king mask and fans loved it. Once again, it ate into my free time and I couldn’t really sustain an assembly line. Six months after I began selling mine, Burger King began selling cheap plastic ‘king’ masks (the face with rubber band type). I believe I only made about 10 of them and shut down out of fear that BK would come after me for infringement.

4) We’ve emailed back and forth a bit about what a painstaking process this must be, as it is time consuming, prone to errors like bubbling, and requires the purchasing of materials in bulk, etc. Because of this, I know you’ve only created a limited number of Jobu dolls with the mold you made. How many Jobu dolls have you created, and when was the first stone batch created?

Well, the first batch was about 3-4 years ago. It basically went like this: during my search and communications with the Major League crew, I ran across a message board dedicated to prop replicas. There was a huge thread on Jobu, but nobody knew where to get one or where it came from. I posted a message stating that I would try to make a replica using my existing mask making skills and sell a few to use up the bulk materials that it would involve purchasing. I sculpted the head of Jobu only and made a casting out of thick latex. I subcontracted a woman in Canada, who made doll bodies, to make me some with African American tone hands and feet. I then subcontracted a local seamstress to make Jobu’s clothes, and went on a search for small cigars and wooden shot cups. The cups and cigars were not necessary, but they add value to the doll and were an appreciated touch. I can’t remember the exact number, but I believe it was less than 20 that were made. My mold broke and I never made a new mold and moved on to other projects.

About six months later, I decided to do a different version, but this time would sculpt the entire prop and make it a stone statue figure (Editor’s note: the first picture in this post is the picture that Eric refers to here). The problem was, I had no idea how to do this since the process is very different from mask making. Needless to say, after MANY weeks of exhaustive attempts and wasted materials I finally got it right. These were hand painted, hand haired, and much more accurate than the first. I had intentions of doing a run of 30, but after receiving angry emails from folks who couldn’t afford the ebay bidding, I closed shop early. There was no way to please everyone.

I’ve been asked a few times why I didn’t just take advantage of the demand and pursue licensing, or just mass produce them overseas. It was the perfect time, 2007 and the playoffs were coming up. The Tribe had a real chance that year. Here’s why….I wanted my statue to be as unique as the ‘character’ in the film. The statue is a solid, heavy item (~ 6 lbs) that feels more like an idol should feel than some plastic knockoff made in Japan. The irregularities in the mold and the hand effort that I have to put to each statue as it gets cleaned up and painted from the mold makes each one unique. The fact that they aren’t mass produced makes them even more unique. If I were doing this for the money, it would be a different story, but I wanted to make something special for myself, and maybe a few fans along the way. That wasn’t going to happen in a factory. Also, licensing is a legal nightmare and I’m sure the demand is not nearly enough to pay for all the lawyers you would need to sort out the particulars. Once Hollywood gets its cut, I probably wouldn’t be left with much.

5) One of the gentlemen who was lucky enough to receive one from your first batch mentioned that an MLB player once contacted him and offered a large amount of money for the doll that you had created. Have any MLB players ever contacted you in the same fashion?

As far as I know, the only folks who knew I made them were the few I contacted directly or buyers on ebay that bought directly from me. I did no advertising and really didn’t need to. I couldn’t fill demand with my one-man show and had no intention to try. If I had the opportunity to send one to the Indians (and not some guy in an office over there barely associated with the club), I would be more than happy to donate one.

6) Supposing that Paramount pictures or anyone else associated with the movie Major League never makes an effort to mass produce Jobu dolls, your version is the only one known to exist, making it quite unique and highly sought after by hardcore fans. Would you ever consider doing something like churning out 10 dolls every set number of years (5 years?), as some sort of underground, special edition release of an otherwise unattainable piece of memorabilia for those hardcore fans who are always looking?

That’s entirely reasonable. It’s hot out here on the West Coast right now, which prevents me from using certain materials due to temperature sensitivity. Some materials I use need to be handled in a well-ventilated environment (my garage), so I have to wait for the weather to cooperate. But, I’ve only poured six so far and I’m already saying to myself: “*Sigh*…Now I remember why I stopped doing this.” : )

It took 13 years and an opportune, record-setting swing by Brian McCann, but the National League was finally able to get an elusive W over their American League counterparts.

Why was McCann’s hit a “record setting swing”? Well, because it was the first bases clearing double in All Star history. Kind of ridiculous but true. Highlights below.

The Boss' reign was entertaining, and ultimately, successful.

Today marks the end of an era in Major League Baseball, as George Steinbrenner has passed away at the age of 80. Even as a die-hard Red Sox fan, the Boss will be missed, and I’ll tell you why. Over the next few days, you’ll read countless columns from pundits describing the trials and tribulations of the Boss. You’ll hear about all the accolades and championships. You’ll hear about how Steinbrenner enlisted 17 different managers in 17 years. You will also read and hear about George’s suspension from baseball, how he hired a less-than-reputable character to dig up dirt on Dave Winfield so that the Yankees could get out of paying him, and all the other anecdotes that go along with such a storied career.

But just like all of us, George was a man of two sides, and sometimes one of those personas wasn’t exactly the one he wanted to have seen by the public eye. People who knew him the best say that he was a man who worshiped one thing: winning. This isn’t to say that George Steinbrenner was not a good man; the fact is that only those who’ve been around him the most can answer that. But the one thing that is absolutely irrefutable is that the Boss was great for baseball and even better for the Red Sox-Yankees rivalry. But when we think of all the timeless, great rivalries in sports, it’s easy to forget about their inception, and even easier to forget about the people who helped to create them. To truly embody and preserve a true rivalry, one must encourage and project three very important things. So, on this sad day, we take a look at what a rivalry truly means, so that we can reminisce about Steinbrenner’s impressive impact on baseball, and for that matter, sports in general.

Rivalry is defined as a person or thing that is in a position to dispute another’s preeminence or superiority. But I’d add three other vital ingredients that must be present for the competition to be considered a great rivalry:

1. Salty, weathered, overly passionate old-timers on both sides of the conflict. Think of your grandfather worn down over time. Salty to the point that when someone mentions a game back in 1935 the old guy perks right up and has some venom in his voice as he recalls every possible detail of the contest.
2. There needs to be a hero and a villain. What made Muhammad Ali-Joe Frazier a great rivalry is that each played both roles. Ali was the hero to the antiestablishment crowd in the 1960’s while Frazier captured more of the “lunch pail” mainstream group. Both sides were vilified by the other’s fans.
3. But most importantly, the rivalry has to be “even handed.” Both teams have to do some winning and some losing. Here’s a quick example. The Red Sox-Yankees seems like a great rivalry. Up until 2003 these two teams were as much a rivalry as a BB taking on a freight train. It had the previous two ingredients. The heroes were Ted Williams, Johnny Pesky, Carl Yastrzemski, Carlton Fisk, Jim Rice, Nomar Garciaparra , and Pedro Martinez for the Red Sox; Joe DiMaggio, Thurmon Munson, Reggie Jackson, and Derek Jeter for the Yankees. It also had maybe the biggest villain of all in George Steinbrenner. Salty old timers? More than you can count. But the problem was, until 2004, the Red Sox had won only 12 AL Pennants and only four after 1918. The Yankees, on the other hand, won 40. Case and point was that it was the most lopsided rivalry of all time. In fact, Yankee fans shouldn’t have even acknowledged the rivalry until 2004, when the Red Sox came roaring back from a 0-3 deficit to beat them in the “House that Ruth Built.” So if a fan or player ever mumbles the phrase “we just can’t beat those guys,” then it isn’t a rivalry, it’s just a team you play a lot.

The Yankees, under the watchful eye of Emperor Steinbrenner, were the ultimate villain in the Red Sox-Yankees rivalry which would never have existed without big George.  He built indestructible teams through out the 1990’s and, until John Henry came along and dared to defy the Yankees, George’s teams ruled Boston’s teams every year. As a Red Sox fan, my hatred of the Yankees always started and ended with George Steinbrenner. Imagine for a moment that George never owned the Bombers: could we consider the rivalry as intense as it is now? I highly doubt it. George gave Sox fans something to cheer against rather than to cheer for. Without George Steinbrenner, I doubt there would be 7 World Series banners post-1977 gracing Yankee Stadium. Without George there wouldn’t be 11 AL pennants during that same time frame.  Steinbrenner’s success gave Sox Nation something to be envious of, and someone to blame for Boston’s misery.

Looking back on his reign, I wonder if there will ever be another owner in sports who is as polarizing as Steinbrenner. He was a great owner and an even better villain in a heated rivalry. In what seems like one final reminder of his tremendous impact on the game, George seems to have impacted the weather in his passing.  So while the sun continues to shine in Boston and apocalyptic rain continues to pummel New York, we are all forced to say goodbye to a legend.  I don’t think George would have it any other way.

The Derby has been reduced to participants like this.

Some things just aren’t meant to have their meaning extracted for fun, and one of those things is the homerun. When it naturally occurs during a game, a homerun has the potential to be many different things: a game changer, a walk-off win, a record breaking statistic, etc. The Homerun Derby is a different story altogether. While it aims to recreate that natural excitement over and over, it just falls miserably short. Why, you ask? Let me count the ways.

1)      Is it really a contest between the best homerun hitters? I mean, don’t get me wrong, Corey Hart, Hanley Ramirez, Nick Swisher, and Chris Young have power, but don’t expect to see any of these guys in the top 5 in homeruns come season’s end. The Derby has become more of a ritual for younger guys to take part, with a couple veteran guys peppered in. And that’s in the event that those veterans that you hope to see don’t opt out of participating. I didn’t see Ryan Howard, Prince Fielder, or Albert Pujols out there last night, did you? And I can’t really blame them, because my next point is…

2)      The Derby has the potential to really be a detriment to your swing. The Bleacher Report may indicate otherwise, claiming that any negative impact that the Derby has on a player’s swing is psychological. My counterpoint to that is, I don’t care what the reason is, if players subject themselves to this psychological negativity, it still impacts them. Whether or not there is a scientific explanation for players going into a slump post-Derby is irrelevant; players will believe it has had an impact and it has the potential to mess them up for an indefinite amount of time.

3)      How many times can you listen to Chris Berman try to make a homerun sound exciting when everyone knows there’s about 30-40 more to be hit before it’s all said and done?

4)      Listen, I don’t particularly have a problem with Big Papi, but he irritates me at the Derby. The cameras are on him the whole time and want to see what his reaction is to every single shot. Why? Because he has an over-the-top reaction to every shot. His antics were fun and refreshing when he was a participant about 10 years ago, now they are just tired. It doesn’t help now that Ortiz, who has been all over the map in the last year and a half, seems to be leveraging his Derby win to lobby for an extension. Here’s an idea: finish out the season without hitting .198 for a month at a time and then talk extension.

5) Finally, it’s quite painful to listen to the filler going on between every pitch. Some of the interviews (particularly any of the ones that Erin Andrews does) are totally fine, but Berman, Morgan, and company go off on random tangents about anything and everything. And it isn’t really their fault – they have to talk about something the whole time. Perhaps they should be discussing possible events to take the Derby’s place because I, for one, would not be disappointed to see it go.

The All Star game is a different story. I don’t necessarily agree with the incentive of home field in the World Series, particularly because at least 80% of the players in the game won’t be there, but I do like the fact that there is an incentive. Jimenez vs Price: now who wouldn’t want to watch those two start things off?

Part 1

Part 2

The point here is that you are being spoon-fed the same mundane story through 100 different outlets, and I am here to shine some light on the real all stars of the first half. These are the boneheads who start fights, injure themselves in ridiculous ways, or generally do dumb things that are detrimental to their team. So, without further adieu, I present to you the REAL 2010 MLB All Stars.

Starting Pitcher: Carlos Zambrano

Carlos led the team in votes and was a shoe-in for some time. If it wasn’t the fact that he mentally screwed himself out of a starting pitcher role, then he solidified his nomination when he went completely loco on Derrek Lee in the Cubs clubhouse a couple weeks ago. Dude is a bona fide nutcase. Dallas Braden came in a distant second for this. He needs to have a few more of those mound blow ups over time to even be considered anywhere near Zambrano territory.

Catcher: AJ Pierzynski

Pierzynski hasn’t done anything out of the ordinary this season. There just aren’t any catcher candidates who fit the bill of what I’m trying to do here, and I just think that Pierzynski is a tool. Now, moving on…

First Base: Kendry Morales

This is a no-brainer. Not many people can say they’ve gone from hitting a walk off home run to breaking their leg in the span of about a minute.

Second Base: Geoff Blum

As if things weren’t bad enough for Houston this year. Turns out that not only can the team not play baseball, but they also cannot dress themselves properly. Blum will be out for a while after requiring elbow surgery after unsuccessfully putting on a polo shirt.

Third Base: Alex Rodriguez

Add another trophy to the case. A-Rod makes the team based on his spat with Dallas Braden. His nonchalant reaction to Braden flying off the handle, combined with the post-game “I don’t even know who Dallas Braden is” attitude is just what this team needs. I mean, if Oakland is still trying to keep the feud alive by selling T-shirts about the altercation, then why shouldn’t we?

Shortstop: Hanley Ramirez

Ramirez makes the team because of his inability to care about hustling. After clearly dogging it on the field and then getting chewed out by ex-Florida manager Freddi Gonzalez, Ramirez refused to apologize to his team and required an intervention from Andre Dawson.

Left Field: Luke Scott

I don’t know what it is this year, but it seems that some players have forgotten how simple a home run trot can be. Take your time, jog around the bases, and greet your teammates in an excitable but controlled manner as you approach home plate. Really not that difficult. Unfortunately, it wasn’t that easy for Luke Scott, who tweaked his hammy during the trot that brought the Orioles within 23 games of first place at the time. For those of you who were wondering just how long it took him to hobble around after the tweaking, Deadspin has you covered.

Center Field: BJ Upton

BJ Upton has decided to throw his hat into the crazy ring along with comrade Carlos Zambrano. After dogging it Hanley-style, Rays 3B Evan Longoria had some strong words for Upton in the dugout, and Upton responded by flying off the handle. But the real question here isn’t “What the hell is Upton’s case?” No, no, the question is “What the hell is Upton thinking trying to get in Longoria’s face?” He’s like 85 pounds soaking wet and Longoria would have twisted him up like a pretzel.

Right Field: Milton Bradley

Come on, was there really any doubt about this one? Baseball’s self-proclaimed bad boy was on especially good behavior this year, waiting until April 9th before he began flicking off opposing fans.  This was, of course, after he told reporters in spring training that he would not make any effort to change his ways and that umpires were out to get him. Sure, he eventually conceded the fact that he does have some minor anger management issues and made an effort to get some help, but since he has returned from getting some assistance, he has not been very good. (Editor’s note: Idea for posting – does Milton Bradley need to be a dick in order to be good?) It’s amazing this guy still gets work.

Relief Pitcher: Ryan Madson

There’s only one thing worse than failing at your job at the Major League level, and that is failing at your job and then getting so pissed about it that you kick a chair and break your toe, thus leaving your team to rely on even crappier relief pitching.

Manager: Ozzie Guillen

This was a toss up between Guillen and Lou Pinella, but Guillen seems to have been consistently crazier over the last five years, while Pinella seems to have given up trying to compete with Zambrano’s antics. The clincher was the fact that Guillen nearly fought White Sox GM Ken Williams after Williams waited too long to draft Guillen’s son. That’s straight up gangsta.

It’s been the year of the pitcher, something that SI did a nice job of covering in their new issue. That trend has continued, and June got off to a crazy start with Armarndo Galarraga’s imperfectly perfect game. Ubaldo Jiminez continued his domination throughout June, except for one start against the BoSox. Fortunately for Jimenez, he was bailed out by his teammates, who rallied to get him the no decision after he gave up 6 earned runs. He still has a sub-2 ERA (1.83) and only one loss on the year. But, as has happened all season, Jimenez was overshadowed yet again in June, as the MLB and all its fans finally got their wish when Stephen Strasburg arrived onto the scene in a big way. Strasburg turned in the best pitching debut I have ever seen, and probably the best since Doc Gooden’s. He has captivated crowds everywhere he has gone, which has begged the question: should he be in the All Star game? (The Bleacher Report says no.)

A look around the current standings shows some familiar trends. Boston has worked their way back into contention, a mere 1.5 games out of the Yankees’ first place lead in the AL East. It seems Big Papi remembered how to swing a bat, something that has surely had a positive impact on Jacober’s sleep lately. Unfortunately for Boston, Dustin Pedroia will be out with a broken foot for a while, leaving a pretty big void to fill in the meantime. But the bottom line is that you can never count Boston out, as they have proven time and time again. Of course, their second place hold right now means that the mighty Rays have fallen. Complicating things in the Rays clubhouse is the ongoing tension between Evan Longoria and BJ Upton, who have both injected themselves into the best dugout dispute of the year, right up there with Derek Lee and the clinically insane Carlos Zambrano. Although I never expected the Rays to win the AL East outright, I’m sticking to my guns and predicting that they pull it together and punch their playoff ticket in Wild Card fashion. After all, this is a team with a tremendous amount of young talent, and when you have guys like Longoria, Upton, Crawford, and Price, you should be able to right the ship.

Hat tip to thecubsbrickyard.com

To be completely honest, the rest of the AL hasn’t provided many compelling storylines so far. The AL Central is about as boring as a Real Housewives of (insert city here) Reunion, and aside from Vladimir Guerrero’s torrid season going on in Texas, there aren’t many surprises going on in the AL West either. I guess I could point out that the Angels’ Jered Weaver leads the MLB in strikeouts with 124; didn’t see that coming. I will say that Seattle is by far the most disappointing team this season. I had high expectations, and apparently so did they judging by their offseason acquisitions, but for whatever reason that team just doesn’t work. And Chone Figgin fantasy owners, I can sympathize – he’s been killing me too (aside from a few SBs here and there).

On the other side, the NL is a fertile field of compelling storylines. The East is still up for grabs, and while everyone (including me) waits for the Braves to falter, they just keep going about their business and winning games. They seem to be the opposite of Seattle; there aren’t many intimidating names, but they play well as a team and find ways to win. Again, I’m sticking to my story; the Braves will fade out of contention over the next six weeks. The Mets are also playing well, although they have been relying on starting pitching that will in no way hold up, as RA Dickey and Hisanori Takahashi seem to finally be coming back down to earth. Mike Pelfrey, on the other hand, has been about as consistent as it gets, and gives the Mets a chance to win every fifth day. Shockingly, it’s been Santana who has struggled, perhaps because of some recent off-the-field accusations (or maybe because he’s lost 3-4 mph on his fastball). If anyone can sympathize with a struggling “ace,” it’s the Philadelphia Phillies. Granted, Roy Halladay has a 2.42 ERA and, like Santana, often suffers from a lack of run support, but no one would have predicted that (sit down for this) Jamie Moyer would have a better record than Halladay at this point in the season. The Phillies are still over .500 but have added Chase Utley and Placido Polanco to a DL list that already includes JA Happ and Ryan Madson. Factor into that Jimmy Rollins’  early season injury woes and it’s a miracle the Phillies are still hanging on. The next two months will be a true test, and we’ll see if Amaro goes out and gets a 2B or 3B to help fill the void like when the Phils plugged in Tadahito Iguchi a couple seasons back. Complicating things for the top three teams in the East is the fact that the Marlins continue to hang on by a thread and the Nationals are no longer the pushover teams could count on for a cool dozen or so wins.

Who here took the odds in Vegas on a preseason prediction of the Reds and/or Padres making the playoffs this season? Well, if the season ended today, both teams would be in. I don’t see San Diego holding on, just because they are in a tougher division, but the Reds look for real. They have a great squad with a mix of veterans and great young talent. Rolen, Phillips, and Cabrera have been meshing extremely well with guys like Jay Bruce, Joey Votto, and even Drew Stubbs. They could give St. Louis a real scare in that division.

Well, I have to stop the rambling at some point. The MLB picture is a little clearer now, although there’s lots more ball to play. Which teams will overcome adversity and force their way into the dance, and which will crumble under the pressure? Predictions are encouraged.

When Torre abruptly left New York for Los Angeles after the 2007 season, he had to accept a few major changes. His power guy went from being A-Rod to longtime foe Manny Ramirez. He left a team full of veteran players to take on the challenge of molding the MLB’s next generation of stars, like Andre Ethier, Matt Kemp, and James Loney. And of course, he traded in his coffee for wheat grass.

So far, that move hasn’t had the ultimate payoff yet for Torre, though he has enjoyed some great successes in his first few seasons with his new club. The Dodges have gone deep into the playoffs the last two years, and have made it clear that they will be an NL force to be reckoned with for years to come. However, one thing that Torre will never have the luxury of again is Mariano Rivera, and you know it was eating away at his insides last night as he watched Dodger closer Jonathan Broxton have a complete meltdown in the 9th.

After Broxton blew a 4-run lead in the ninth, things got even worse for Torre; Mariano stepped in, closed the door in the bottom of the 9th, and then came back out after Cano’s HR in the 10th positioned him for a two-inning save. Aside from a lone hit, Rivera’s night was unblemished, and he was able to lower his ERA to 0.92.

So if Torre looks a little tired in San Francisco tonight, it’s because he got caught up reminiscing of the times he didn’t have to worry about the 9th inning. And although the Sandman entered Dodger stadium last night, he only carried enough dust to induce the Dodger bats to slumber. Perhaps he’ll do his old pal a solid and drop a little in his wheat grass next time around.